1. Changing gloves, shoes, pads etc - god how old is that one? Probably from the time they were invented. From now on you cannot change anything excepting your girlfriend or wife. Boyfriends are exempt for now, some countries are still changing the laws and ICC is quite serious about things being legal. 

2. Physio on the pitch - yaawn..all physios are portly and pots running onto the field are boring. Carry them on a palanquin going forward. The palanquin bearers must be dressed in the full cricket kit. Cheerleaders are exempt from the full kit. They can half kit it. All running shall be left to the players, nudists and bored mongrels. 

3. Water boys, gatorade support and messengers - water is precious so save it, gatorade is capitalistic so shove it. Messages shall be tweets IM or full bodied email texts. Batsmen shall be provided with crack-berry and they will be provided time outs to answer messages. So a tweet that goes like "play the ball on merit" shall be responded to which ball, whose merit or vice versa. 

4. Setting the field - Come on you can't take a generation to set 9 players in a ring. Take two generations so you can call in Chris Board, ask him for his opinion and then request Stuart Board to move two inches to the left. OF course use the measuring tape to get the exact distance. 

5. Bowling wide of the stumps - You can't do that, so bowl in reverse at the non strikers end. Tell them you are aiming for a run out. 

6. Taking guard, tapping the wicket - Once the batsman finishes taking guard on all three stumps he runs out to take guard at the non-strikers end. How exciting!! That way you waste time cos the umpire has to run in from square, the batsman runs in from his crease and the rest of them run nowhere. 

7. Keeping the ball in play- why can't we just borrow from football and throw the ball out of the park regularly? To make it equal allow batsmen to throw their abdomen guards away too. Goes with the adage - it takes balls!! 

8. Celebrating - After each run is scored the batsmen can run round the ground, wide smile and raised hands. Bowlers on taking a wicket should run to the boundary and play the lullaby sign with the team joining in. However no falling in a heap and presenting the audience with choreographed disgusting body movements. Cricket is still a gentleman's game, just ask Ponting.

Now hit me up with better ideas. By the way I am not the Fake IPL blogger. I do not like evesdropping, prefer eveslifting, oops did i cross the line? 

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