For an Arsenal fan the experience of the last few weeks, if not the whole season, has been like that of a man standing outside his beautiful and painstakingly constructed house and watching the wrecking ball slam into it again and again, while at the same time the people who live in the shithouse up the road have lucked out, receiving billions from the dodgy Russian uncle they never knew they had, and are busy putting up flash extensions everywhere. Given all that’s happened this season, there’s a whole bunch of things that have happened that I thought I wanted to write about, but when I sat down and really thought about it, I found that what I really want to write about, I’m afraid, is Pascal Cygan.

Of course, to write about Pascal Cygan is also to write about everything else (recalling CLR James’ question in a different context: what do they know of cricket who only cricket know?), because, to take one example, a team that includes Cygan playing in defence on any kind of regular basis is not one that’s going to win anything, which brings us to Bayern Munich on Tuesday night. An orthodox reading of the team Arsene put out today against Sheffield United (a team I can‘t help liking despite their manager looking like the teacher at school most likely to put his hand on your knee) would say that Cygan plays on Tuesday. Given that Senderos gave away the penalty for United’s equaliser it might seem churlish, if not hubristic, to question Cygan’s probable appearance in Munich. But is there an Arsenal fan in the country who feels comfortable about the prospect? You might say that Arsene has no choice, that without Sol, Cygan is the only experienced central defender available, so he plays. Needs must, Arsene’s backed into a corner, and all that. This is an argument that wilfully attempts to gloss over Cygan’s inability to perform a clearing header (which should be a career ending failing for a centre-half), or control any kind of a pass that isn’t rolled gently to him. Even if this were not the case, the man also turns like an oil tanker, and looks as out of place in the team as I would.

But, you say, he has the odd good game, he’s good with the ball in front of him, and so on. Well, we need to define our terms. A good game for Cygan is one in which he does not give away a goal or otherwise fuck up so badly as to make you want to run onto the pitch and shoot him.

Certainly, it might be said that the Arsenal fans have contributed to Cygan’s evident state of unease every time he wears the shirt (the kind of look you might have on your face if your wife discovered you reading Shaved Orientals with a box of tissues by your side). But the accusation that the fans are responsible for Cygan’s poor displays is laughable; it’s like saying I’m responsible for whatever animal Jimmy White wears on his head because I noticed he was going bald and made a joke about it. Have these people got no self-respect? Jimmy should shave his head like Cygan, and Cygan should stop pretending he’s a footballer and maybe take up snooker. I don’t want Jimmy or Pascal to look like an idiot, but I’m not going to shut up about it when they do. The fans just know something that even Arsene Wenger doesn’t: Pascal’s not just crap, he’s cursed, and the curse of Pascal Cygan needs to be ended for the run of bad luck, injuries, and the success of an annoying Portuguese wind up merchants to end.

There was the European Cup game where, despite his best ever performance (which is to say you didn’t notice him), the ball deflects off him for a goal. Manchester United last season anyone? We’re 1-0 up, Pascal comes on at left back, United equalise. Today, same thing. We’re 1 up, ten men, a hard, resilient, unified performance by the boys, and Arsene brings on Pascal for Jose and tells him to play at left back and defend set pieces. Ball into the box, Pascal gets a head on it, but because he can’t head the ball far enough to clear it, ever, the ball comes back into the box and ends up with Senderos handling. Apart from anything else it’s the wrong tactic, you need somebody to hold the ball up in those situations; I don’t believe the boys at the back looked up and thought, great, Pascal’s coming on. More than likely they thought, like I did, fuck, here comes this bloke masquerading as a footballer who’s going to get in the fucking away and make a mistake. Which he did.

Fucking cursed I tell you. We need Barry Fry to piss on the corner flags or whatever he did.

I know that I’m putting my head on the block here, but I’d play Senderos against Munich. The kid looks committed and up for the fight. He appears to be able to head the ball, and tackle. OK he’s green and this is the biggest game of the season now, and it’s Bayern Munich and it might go horribly wrong, but I simply cannot put up with getting beat by Bayern and having to watch Cygan ‘play.’ Let’s put this as plainly as I can: I’m an Arsenal fan, and like a lot of us, I don’t care if Pascal gets upset or finds his confidence affected by criticism from the stands, especially when he gets paid in the thousands of pounds every week, and I have to pay what feels like just as much to watch him blunder about like a drunk man in the wrong bedroom with the light off. Besides, I never noticed he had any confidence to lose. Pascal Cygan makes people laugh at Arsenal; he makes Jeff Blockley or ‘Henry’ Mancini look like Franco Fucking Baresi. He is Arsene Wenger’s Jimmy Carter.

He’s not the future, Senderos is, and even if the big Swiss doesn’t make it in the long term he’s already a better player than Pascal. Arsene should put his faith in the kid, and while we’re at it, if Ralph Lauren wants to sell stories likely to unsettle or otherwise piss us off then he can stay at home as well. Come to think of it, Ashley Cole could also do with reminding he’s not bigger than our club. Talking to Chelsea for God’s sake, what does he think he’s doing? Fuck it, I’d play the back four that played today, in front of Jens (or even Stuart Taylor). At least the kids looked like a back four, and not four at the back. Eboue impressed me, and Clichy never has a bad game. Pat to play the Silva role, Edu, Freddie, Bob, Thierry and Dennis if we can get him there (and why the fuck not, I’d like to know?), Jose if not. Cesc, Flamini, and Mad Frankie Van Persie on the bench.

I’d rather we went out playing our football, than pissing about trying to defend and play ‘European football.’ Arsenal trying to defend always ends up with the players staring at each other while the ball is in the back of our net. Sol’s got the best stare in those situations, especially when it’s Cygan who has duffed it up, but I’m sick of seeing it. Let’s go out on the pitch with the kids at the back, full of piss and vinegar, and ready to go forward and die for the cause at the back. It would be nice if this was the week in which we finally got rid of both the curse of the European Cup, and the curse of Pascal Cygan. While it remains my wildest football dream it is improbable that Arsenal will win the European Cup this season, but surely it shouldn’t be too difficult to lose Cygan (maybe somewhere on the Autobahn?); every forward he comes up against seems to manage it.

In the meantime, clearly the most intelligent thing I could do before Tuesday is to pop into the bookies and put a tenner on Pascal Cygan scoring the winning goal.