By Barmy Kev
December 12 2002

The one dayers are starting but the humiliation shows no sign of stopping. However the Aussies have been humiliated as well; they only opened two bars for the NSW match! Read on for more from our sadist in Aus, Barmy Kev

Spare days in Perth

Day 4- well woke up to prospect of no cricket and unscheduled days for touring. As much as I was disappointed about test, it was a semi blessing in disguise. I had lost my voice and needed to rest it, had necessary admin to sort out- i.e. tickets for other matches, interconnecting flights and accommodation. Tried to sell my tickets for day’s 4+5 at half price but no gullible Aussies as takers. It was interesting walking round town seeing lots of England fans not knowing what to do.

Evening was a Barmy Army party suppose to start after final ball of 4th day; this was a charity do for Ben Hollioke fund. There was a moving speech by Adam, despite being a Sorry man, have the up most admiration for the guy-a lot of other cricketers who think they have problems (mentioning no names from the same county) can learn from him. I was in my summer garb as was half the people and others were in English weather gear. It was freezing. The next day found out there was a freak wind and was the coldest summers night for 45 years. Red wine provided good insulation. At do spoke to an Essex fan from Chelmsford who actually agreed they were the worse fans in the world (either old farts or Nazis). A very enjoyable evening speaking with fellow county champs followers from all over.

Day 5 of test was chance to do some touring. Had choice of trips but choice boat cruises, I think the words "wine" and "tasting" at the end swung it. Part of trip was visit to Freemantle on old Aussie colony. Visited a disused jail, was quite interesting. The guide when in prison play area as a joke said of course when plying cricket the English convicts couldn't get the ball over the wall. I retorted by saying when playing rugby did the Aussie convicts have the same problem. Touché! Anyway, when signing the visitors’ book, put "we came here in back packs you in ball in and chain", ironically written with a pen a stole from prison. The wine tasting that followed I made the most of, rude not to.

Next day was a cricket match between the Barmy Army fans and local village side. The Rules were for obvious reasons they would bat first and we were allowed rotating fielders, I was one of them but in no hurry to go on as had a bottle of wine to finish, evidently, the game in Adelaide we had Dermott Reeve no luxury this time. We actually started well and got three early wickets. However, we had our best bowlers on and there batting order was upside down. So a major recovery occurred. It was meant to be a 40 over game and I was called to field after 34 overs, presumably to the end. However, they declared after 35 overs with a 297 score. I didn't touch the ball. The last 10 overs went for 150. Despite them giving us, chances, live we only just managed over 100 in reply. More humiliation for England, but a fun day. Another interesting feature was seeing kids practising in nets for 2 hours with full commitment and discipline. I wonder if in England there are similar sights?

On to Sydney for the one dayers

Thursday fly from Perth to Sydney. Was warned about forest fires here. It was an amazing sight from plane seeing this hazy smoke and even smelling it-pilot told us not to worry. Fortunately due to cooler temperatures these have abated. Only other drama of day was the shuttle taxi taking me from airport to hotel, I ended up picking someone else’s luggage instead of mine. Only realised when got in my room. Luckily driver returned half an hour later to perform the swap and return to rightful owner. He said something to effect you don’t know what your doing.

Friday- first OD game against NSW. Their team consisted of 8 internationals. Mark Waugh (missing presumed whinging) only absentee. It makes you wonder when countries tour England some of the dross we put out as opposition, as lack of respect. There was a bigger crowd than anticipated and there was only one gate open -took 1/2 hr to get in, luckily allowed time. And only two bars open. Horrendous queues. Announced crowd (something else they should do at England) 13,500. So Nasser wins the toss and we bat. Trescothick and Knight struggle to Lee and McGrath. And early on both are caught behind with the scoreboard hardly move. Nasser and Whippy do their bit for Essex and moving the score along nicely. Nasser is out with score on 95 from between 25-30 overs can't recall exactly. Ace next in. It is obvious he needs to push on straight away and his intent is clear. First ball trying to hit McGill straight over the top. He and Whippy put on 49 run a ball and Ace is out too a wild hook for 24 off 28 balls. He served his purpose of pushing score along. Blackwell continued successfully in similar vein. Whippy out for 82. Shame he didn't make ton. Sadly, everyone else was collapsing around with Katich taking the wickets and Caddick, Harmison made duck. And Snape managed to break his hand facing Lee-out of tour. 208 all out were a reasonable score. But the NSW batting line up was formidable and didn't expect to be enough. Caddick got on an early break through. But Slater (not our one) was severe particularly on Harmison and there was a run riot with Bevan. Slater was out for a well-played 118. In comes Steve Waugh with the match sewn up, just need to push singles. Whippy our most economical bowler before then gets hit for 3 6's in 5 balls. Match won by 7 wickets with 8 overs spare. What with shambolic organisation, unseasonably cold weather and another pathetic embarrassing English performance-this will not go down as my best days out at cricket.

Next day chilled out at Darling Harbour marvellous place. Wrote my postcards. It was difficult to know what to write for the non-cricket lovers. In evening tried to watch Man U v Arsenal 11pm kick off here in pub. Was refused entry for being "drunk". This was odd because this was one of the occasions I was actually sober. Hmm. Eventually found another venue

Ashley v Owais

For this match the SCG, having learnt from mistakes from Friday, were better equipped for the crowd. Except the crowd was half the size. NSW a better attraction that Aussie A. Looking at their side 8 players recognisable from county cricket. It was also interesting going through players not even good enough for a team that would walk into any other side (Di Venuto, Jamie Cox, Matthew Elliot, Slater for example). Aus won toss and batted, trend these days. We got off to a good start two early wickets And Flintoff and Kirtley bowling economically. Key dropped at first slip a sitter from Langer though, proved to be costly. Kabir Ali on as first change hit for 10 first over. His second over picked up wicket of Blewett first ball. Matthew Clarke, local boy, came in and promptly hits 3 successive fours. 2 overs for 25. Not to be seen again. Once Langer was out for 61, it looked we could get them under 200. Blackwell (who I rate for 1 dayers) was very economical, as was Whippy. However Hussey in at 6 (I had memories of his 170 was it at Lords). Marshalled the tail well. He fell just short of 50. Noffke sadly only made 2. But 205 was a good score but certainly gettable. So, our reply. Chalkie White employed presumably as a pinch hitter was stupidly run out. Knight and Irani pushed on and we were keeping run rate around 4 an over, which was about right. Knight was out LBW Noffke, while Irani looked good for his 29 at a run a ball without slogging but our Ash had him too, which bought Hussein and Shah out. I was leading the Ooh Ahh Owais Shah chants-which would have caught on had he done well. I enjoyed watching the Ace/Ash battle, which Ace won. Nasser who really looked uncomfortable scoring too slowly was out. I remember this score as Key was in 110-4 from 28 overs, surely with depth in batting to follow we were favourites, but knew it would be tight. Sadly Shah was out for 25 off 40 (these are approximate stats). Blackwell was run out going for a suicidal single. Then Key caught in the deep when slogging not necessary. Stewart and Flintoff at 8 and 9. All was not lost, but run rate now about to 5 and half. I think Flintoff can handle situation when 9 over is required better and was caught between his too games. Stewart never got going and guess was insulted by his position. Flintoff out for 8. Kabir Ali made a brave 16 when forced to slog. Kirtley well not picked for his batting and got 0. We were 22 short with Stewart 9 not out on a match we should have won, if we just played sensibly and not throw wickets away. Whilst depressed about result, on the journey home on our post match analysis we were quite pleased we saw a contest at last. However, what hope for us when the real games start? Watch this space

Kev on Sydney Harbour Bridge

'Nuff said!

What was the score again? Erm...........................32-31 or something like that

We expect this gentleman to be using the message board vey soon