Finished to Ashes

By Primrose Hillbilly
June 22 2021

We hear from Primrose Hillbilly who PHE continued to ruin his tennage years while he was in his twenties. Some interesting gossip during THe ahes series he was prominent in.   

So, we left Phil selected on an Ashes tour under Gatting, where he might reasonably be expected to play a key role.

It had not been without Phil and Frances doing their level best to sabotage this.

Frances’ profile as a player’s wife with her own salty opinions, who was interesting to talk to, had seen her secure various writing assignments from the tabloids. At  one stage, it was alleged that Phil was feeding her juicy gossip and hints about England’s possible tactics, to flesh out her articles, which had upset Gatting. They were interviewed together on breakfast TV, where Frances pretended to be able to read her husband’s mind about how best to defeat a forthcoming opponent. She made just enough mess talking about line and length to leave very few in doubt about whether she gave a hoot about England’s plans.

Phil’s dwindling times at  the crease had seen him seek alternatives to a bat sponsor, so he had taken to wearing a matt white Swatch in the field, which must have caught the attention of the Blazers, as it appeared odd to even your humble obedient.

At one Test match he had looked into a friendly business connection’s hospitality tent, got talking to someone, and had to get back to the dressing room quickly so as to rejoin his team mates to field again. Another member of the group needed to regain their seat in the Pavillion too, so Phil suggested they accompany him by the shortest route possible – straight over the pitch, which he was entitled to be on as a player. So, he was seen walking over the pitch, back to the Pavillion, with a Woman Who Was Not His Wife !!!

Then, the final flourish. The Queen visited the Lord’s Test, to meet the players in front of the Pavillion. Not easily overawed, Phil engaged her Majesty in conversation, and complimented her on the shade of green of her coat, saying it was his favourite colour. As HMQ passed on, with the President of the M.C.C. in attendance, going purple, Phil remarked cheerfully to the head Blazer, “There we are, Jack, that should see me consigned to the wilderness for another three years, shouldn’t it?” - GAAAaaAGHhh!!!  That bally Edmonds feller!! Can’t take him anywhere!!

But there he was, on an Ashes tour again. It was a strange party, containing several to rise without trace, to sink soon thereafter. Bill Athey became an opener, Jack Richards, selected as reserve keeper, played in the Tests for his better batting, and Phil de Freitas became an opening bowler with Graeme Dilley. I can only remember the left arm beanpole Bruce Reid from the Aussies, and that Merv Hughes made his debut, with Botham taking a liking to his bowling in a first Test century, setting up a win against expectations.

The Aussie press had labelled  the party as the one that couldn’t bat, bowl or field. Yet, it secured Gatt’s reputation as an Ashes winning captain (those two tests won are his only victories as skipper), and that squad, with some additional players brought in as the beginnings of the limited overs “specialists” won both ODI triangular series too. By the end, the same press were reporting that the wrong Taylor had been picked for the last Test, but Peter Taylor spun out England before the other one (Mark or “Tubbie”) took over for the next decade, and PT became another to both rise and sink without trace.

Phil and Embers were ever presents, tieing up the Aussie batsmen, taking 33 wickets between them, while Dilley took 16 and Gladstone Small, another one to never again reproduce that form, took 12.

Frances’ book, “Cricket XXXX Cricket”, evoking the craze for bland Australian lager, commented upon antics in the America’s Cup, and some cricket. She catalogued the bizarre sight of an inebriated Phil emerging from a lift in England blazer and cricket kit after clinching the Ashes in the 4^th Test, followed by an attendant Elton John carrying his “coffin” for him. Elton had been recuperating from a throat operation in Australia, and had adopted the  team, following them from ground to ground.

Phil described that success as the highpoint of his career, and, in reality, it  was all downhill from there towards retirement. He featured in the next few home Tests, where we were outplayed and outfoxed by Pakistan in a typically niggly series, but the emphasis was more and more on that bloke Emburey keeping one end tied up, with lots of right arm seamers at the other end. Embers had also strengthened his hand by becoming a very proficient nudger and nurdler as a batsman, whereas Phil’s batting had completely fallen away (44 Test runs in that last tour to Ernie’s 179).  

Stories emerged of his growing business interests, via both Simon Barnes’ book, “A Singular Man”, where Frances was quoted as wishing he would give up that incredibly frustrating game, and the press. I read of his trying to explore the option of playing on  a reduced contract for Middlesex, to be told that he could not pick and choose his games. I think Gatting had had enough of him by then, and there was a bloke called Tufnell coming through too, whom they thought they could handle. The next thing, Phil was reported driving away from Lord’s in a Rolls Royce, telling the assembled journalists, “Well, you know how it is, when you leave a job, you have to give back the company car and make alternative arrangements”.

So, that was it. Corporate life beckoned, and the Press was able to punctuate stories with old pictures of him in cricket gear as they reported on his various ventures in Africa. One such linked his name to the “blood diamonds” scandal, through a company called “White Nile”, or was it Camac?  I read somewhere that he and Frances are no longer together, as, having long chided him for taking so long to leave cricket, she had tired of him spending so long chasing his money making dreams and schemes.

However, just as his business ventures indicate that you can take the boy out of Africa, but you can’t take Africa out of the boy, equally, you can’t take him out of Tenterden, the Kent market town where his father stalked me in Phil’s first company car, much to my 14 year –old amazement all those years ago. He is reported to be a local property magnate, owning a hotel, snapping up freehold high street properties, and crippling the tenants with extortionate rent increases.

 He may be worth millions now, but PHE needs to be careful. He may have seen off Mike Brearley, but this may be his sternest test yet. My best mate’s mother is a member of the local Conservative party, and up until recently, a local councillor. Phil is reported as not having paid the local branch sufficient respect, and has incurred her wrath. “Ayyye don’t laike him”, she tells me, and she’s got some very creditable local scalps to her name. Lillee, Pat Patterson, Imran Khan at 90 mph  …….forget it.  You really don’t want to mess with Jill Hutchinson. His troubles may have only just begun.